Why Safe People Can Feel Threatening
And what your body is really saying.
Read time: Approx. 2 min.
You know that moment when someone starts getting too close, and your body tenses up? When the person who you know (at an intellectual level) is safe offers comfort becomes the source of your anxiety?
Yeah, that's not just you being "difficult" or "complicated."
I’ve been married for almost 8 years and still at times find myself thinking "I want deep connection so badly it hurts, but the closer I get, the more I feel like running away."
At times it feels like I’m playing a game of red light, green light. Can you relate?
Here's what's actually happening:
Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe. Maybe you learned early that love comes with conditions. Or that being vulnerable meant getting hurt. Or that your needs were too much.
So you got really good at spotting the potential of rejection before it could happen.
But here's the thing that breaks my heart as a therapist that I see time and again in my clients and in myself: The very protection that helped you survive is now the wall keeping love out.
Your fear of getting hurt isn't a character flaw - it's a survival response.
Your difficulty with trust isn't weakness - it's your strength working overtime.
The path forward isn't about tearing down all your walls at once—that would be terrifying and actually not wise.
It's about slowly, carefully learning to peek over them. To test the waters. To let people earn your trust, not demand it.
To let your nervous system experience the reality that vulnerability can lead to deep connection.
Next time you feel that familiar urge to pull away, try getting curious instead of critical. Ask yourself:
"What am I protecting here?
What would it feel like to let someone be just a tiny bit closer today?"
Remember, healing happens in layers, not leaps. And you're not alone in this work.
With care,
Blake
P.S. This is shorter than my typical post, but I just wanted to drop some encouragement for you today. I hope you feel seen and known. 🙏
Send this to someone who needs to hear it.
Greetings, thank you for this informative article. I can relate to what you are saying. I'm in the on-going process of writing my life experiences since childhood. It's titled "Manically speaking"....I've completed the first part working on the second installment.
It will be revealing what took place in my family of sexual, physical, emotional abuses, it's influence in my life choices.
Talk about Walls of protection, I hear you loud and clear, at times it's been terrifying to allow the "sealed vault" of protection to be opened.
However I am by the Grace of God, step by step becoming what He desires me to be.
Have a great weekend!
And why "threatening people" can feel safe sometimes. Those who have hurt me the most deeply are the ones whose efforts to get back into my heart often feel false. As if acting safe is the way back when I don't trust their motives. My own desire to move past the hurt and accept them wholeheartedly sometimes reminds me of a child reaching out to take candy from a stranger. "Careful!" I say to myself...BUT, Blake...this is such a good word for me today. Closing my heart does little to protect me, and I see the wisdom in what you're saying. Thank you. (and Happy Valentine's Day!)