Heartening and smart, thanks for this piece. You are very right to suggest that most have some acquaintances who could become friends. I’m 70 now and cherish my small friend group more and more, although death has begun to thin their ranks. I see more of my peers making an effort to stay closer as we age, especially those of us who are single. One nice thing is that by this age, no one has anything to prove — no dick-measuring or one-upmanship needed. If guys would just take the first step, they might find a real hunger for friendship among those they know. And don’t forget women — they are happy to be able to have males in their life who are not hitting on them or acting like horndogs.
I love everything you have to say here! Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us. You’re right, it just takes one step and you realize other men are hungry for what you are.
"reach out, share your thoughts, or express your feelings with someone you trust" - sure, ok. I would guess that most of us are already aware of this though. The more important thing to be brought up is that if it's so obvious a solution, what is preventing men from taking these steps in the first place? I don't claim to have the answer, but THAT is the real question here. Answering that is the path to things getting better.
Good point Jim. It’s not my intention in this article to offer an “obvious solution” nor do I think I ever said it is obvious, or easy. There are many factors that prevent men from this, some I’m aware of and some I probably am not yet. Maybe that’s for another piece!
Such an important topic. Blake, and a well-written post. The book "The Anxious Generation" speaks to this a little bit, but focuses more on the way tech drives anxiety for girls rather than loneliness for boys. I wish it had been more balanced and just called "The Hurting Generation."
Also 2nd the criticism - book deals mostly with girls mental health, but Jonathan Haidt admits in the book it's because it's an easier diagnosis with an easier cure.
one of the greatest punishments for a human being is loneliness and we are born into a world that makes it easier than ever to be lonely and quite challenging to find a satiating degree of belonging. Feels like such a wicked problem that I can’t seem to find any hope for any solution other than remodeling civilization from almost scratch. Here’s a piece I wrote that includes my thoughts on the epidemic
Interesting thought piece. I'd be curious to get your thoughts on the mind-body connection and how it might tie into the loneliness epidemic you have written about. What I mean is that I have encountered the claim that due to our modern, sometimes excessive, screen usage our mind-body connection is not where it should be. We end up living in our heads as opposed to in our bodies. The follow-up remedy for the claim is to exercise and participate in physical activities. Could some of this epidemic be attributed to this weakened mind-body connection? Assuming there is something to the mind-body claim, then, If people had a healthy mind-body relation, a healthy present-ness, do you think it would significantly help them to achieve that connection that they may be longing for?
Hey Blake, your post resonated on alot of levels. I'm in a very social job in healthcare, alot of engagement and 5 weeks shy of retirement. (yes I'm nervous!) I'm in a men's group also where we wrangle around these issues. It sure gets complicated! Connection changes the game for sure, but vulnerability is often counter intuitive for us guys. Id'ing those needs and reaching out, solid advice, my friend and thanks!
I’ll say that as a typical man in my 50s, I genuinely don’t know how to “be” except as a worker. I feel like I have a clearly defined role at work and a very clear roadmap for behavior and success. However in my social life, I feel like so much of what I do is potentially “wrong” and there’s no proper way to “be” or clear set of behaviors that are ok. Traditional male behavior is a big no-no, but I don’t see a new set of clear behaviors and expectations to take their place. I don’t find this vacuum freeing or liberating at all. I really would love simple, direct guidance on how to “be”. Not how to feel or what to think, but how to talk about these things, when to talk about these things, and in what way. Sometimes I think of how differently men and women tend to dress for formal events as a great illustration of the problem. If you take a wedding for example, women have lots of complicated choices about how they will dress, the style, color, the length, accessories, hair, the bridesmaids dresses and the color, length, and style etc, (even trying to enumerate it all is exhausting). Men on the other hand generally wear a black tuxedo. Done. Problem solved. This is our formal “uniform”. Many women (speaking broadly here) seem to genuinely love a lot of open ended choices and context-dependent considerations in their social environment, where men seem to generally be happier with fewer choices and a more rigidly defined path to follow, at least socially. If someone took the basic tux away from men and didn’t replace it with something else, so many of us would be truly lost and exhausted if we had to manage picking out an appropriate outfit. I honestly don’t think most of us would at all enjoy going through a litany of choices and considerations and we’d probably quickly settle on a new “uniform” for weddings. We’d invent Tux 2.0; something we can all agree is “ok” to wear if we’re getting married. Perhaps male behavior and friendship seeking are a bit stuck because our predictable social roles have been taken away and not replaced. Can we have a new “uniform” to help us navigate social interactions, even with (or especially with) each other? Clearly not all of us, and I do not imply that we’re stupid and unable to make complex decisions, only that social norms and interactions are incredibly complex things and perhaps there are good and logical reasons why men tend to prefer and gravitate toward the structured, and the well defined?
I live in a house I bought with my wife, we love it and it's perfect for us, even though I was 48 years old when we could finally afford it. I don't want to leave my house, but I feel that our community is isolated in the houses. We get together once a year for a block party / potluck and its great... and it's more than most places do. I have 2 friends from work and one from church... but we don't do much together. 25 years ago I had a friend group that was 8 employees from a used bookstore and 6 employees from the kinkos across the street and a bunch of people from an rpg group. They're was always a few people up for a movie or a drink and tacos at the pub or a concert or an rpg night around the table. Now there's nothing. Once a month i play rpg at the library. Where are the groups, the community? Sometimes I wish we lived in a dorm or something.
While I strongly concur to those two suggestions I'd like to remind you that research and the book "Bowling Alone" by Putnam was published already in the 90s: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling_Alone These things run much longer and deeper. Just removing the digital filler with nothing is not enough.
Yes, I think the key to subtracting the digital is to add quality analog. Replace screens with newspapers. Replace social media with walks. Replace shorts with movies. (Just examples, not prescriptions) Finding quality alternatives is essential.
Yes! The movie Jaws was such a slow moving picture and yet loved (and terrifying) by so many generations now. Why? Our imaginations get let out for a long walk and play a huge role in the movie's rhythm.
I spent a year studying in an environment where I had access tothe internet for no more than once a month. I was around families whose yearly income was less than my allowance. This is not the full solution
I see my life's story in your post, and that reminds me I'm not so different. I really appreciated that your words reaffirmed some of this year's decisions to (attempt to) truly connect with others. Most definitely I'm a work in progress - but thanks for calming some of my internal over-thinking 👍
I see this so much with my male clients too, along with my dad and brothers. So glad there's male therapists like you out there doing the work of modeling how to navigate these things!
Just a gentle reminder that if you wrote a book I would
1. Buy it.
2. Read it.
3. Share it with my friends.
Thanks for writing and encouraging. You're great at both, dude.
Those reminders mean a lot coming from you. Thanks man 🙂
Heartening and smart, thanks for this piece. You are very right to suggest that most have some acquaintances who could become friends. I’m 70 now and cherish my small friend group more and more, although death has begun to thin their ranks. I see more of my peers making an effort to stay closer as we age, especially those of us who are single. One nice thing is that by this age, no one has anything to prove — no dick-measuring or one-upmanship needed. If guys would just take the first step, they might find a real hunger for friendship among those they know. And don’t forget women — they are happy to be able to have males in their life who are not hitting on them or acting like horndogs.
I love everything you have to say here! Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us. You’re right, it just takes one step and you realize other men are hungry for what you are.
Humans are losing the ability to be........ human. Interesting times.
Interesting is a very appropriate word to use there.
"reach out, share your thoughts, or express your feelings with someone you trust" - sure, ok. I would guess that most of us are already aware of this though. The more important thing to be brought up is that if it's so obvious a solution, what is preventing men from taking these steps in the first place? I don't claim to have the answer, but THAT is the real question here. Answering that is the path to things getting better.
Good point Jim. It’s not my intention in this article to offer an “obvious solution” nor do I think I ever said it is obvious, or easy. There are many factors that prevent men from this, some I’m aware of and some I probably am not yet. Maybe that’s for another piece!
A lot of us feel lonely because life/work circumstances aren't conducive to developing close friendship.
Great point!
Such an important topic. Blake, and a well-written post. The book "The Anxious Generation" speaks to this a little bit, but focuses more on the way tech drives anxiety for girls rather than loneliness for boys. I wish it had been more balanced and just called "The Hurting Generation."
Haven’t read that one but I’ve heard lots about it. Thanks for sharing Kelly!
2nd the recommendation!
Also 2nd the criticism - book deals mostly with girls mental health, but Jonathan Haidt admits in the book it's because it's an easier diagnosis with an easier cure.
one of the greatest punishments for a human being is loneliness and we are born into a world that makes it easier than ever to be lonely and quite challenging to find a satiating degree of belonging. Feels like such a wicked problem that I can’t seem to find any hope for any solution other than remodeling civilization from almost scratch. Here’s a piece I wrote that includes my thoughts on the epidemic
https://benjaminoren.substack.com/p/the-longing-to-belong?r=1xev3f
Couldn’t agree with you more Benjamin!
Interesting thought piece. I'd be curious to get your thoughts on the mind-body connection and how it might tie into the loneliness epidemic you have written about. What I mean is that I have encountered the claim that due to our modern, sometimes excessive, screen usage our mind-body connection is not where it should be. We end up living in our heads as opposed to in our bodies. The follow-up remedy for the claim is to exercise and participate in physical activities. Could some of this epidemic be attributed to this weakened mind-body connection? Assuming there is something to the mind-body claim, then, If people had a healthy mind-body relation, a healthy present-ness, do you think it would significantly help them to achieve that connection that they may be longing for?
Hey Blake, your post resonated on alot of levels. I'm in a very social job in healthcare, alot of engagement and 5 weeks shy of retirement. (yes I'm nervous!) I'm in a men's group also where we wrangle around these issues. It sure gets complicated! Connection changes the game for sure, but vulnerability is often counter intuitive for us guys. Id'ing those needs and reaching out, solid advice, my friend and thanks!
You’re the solution Ron! You’re doing the work. Being in a men’s group committing to facing ourselves is no joke. It’s courageous!
I’ll say that as a typical man in my 50s, I genuinely don’t know how to “be” except as a worker. I feel like I have a clearly defined role at work and a very clear roadmap for behavior and success. However in my social life, I feel like so much of what I do is potentially “wrong” and there’s no proper way to “be” or clear set of behaviors that are ok. Traditional male behavior is a big no-no, but I don’t see a new set of clear behaviors and expectations to take their place. I don’t find this vacuum freeing or liberating at all. I really would love simple, direct guidance on how to “be”. Not how to feel or what to think, but how to talk about these things, when to talk about these things, and in what way. Sometimes I think of how differently men and women tend to dress for formal events as a great illustration of the problem. If you take a wedding for example, women have lots of complicated choices about how they will dress, the style, color, the length, accessories, hair, the bridesmaids dresses and the color, length, and style etc, (even trying to enumerate it all is exhausting). Men on the other hand generally wear a black tuxedo. Done. Problem solved. This is our formal “uniform”. Many women (speaking broadly here) seem to genuinely love a lot of open ended choices and context-dependent considerations in their social environment, where men seem to generally be happier with fewer choices and a more rigidly defined path to follow, at least socially. If someone took the basic tux away from men and didn’t replace it with something else, so many of us would be truly lost and exhausted if we had to manage picking out an appropriate outfit. I honestly don’t think most of us would at all enjoy going through a litany of choices and considerations and we’d probably quickly settle on a new “uniform” for weddings. We’d invent Tux 2.0; something we can all agree is “ok” to wear if we’re getting married. Perhaps male behavior and friendship seeking are a bit stuck because our predictable social roles have been taken away and not replaced. Can we have a new “uniform” to help us navigate social interactions, even with (or especially with) each other? Clearly not all of us, and I do not imply that we’re stupid and unable to make complex decisions, only that social norms and interactions are incredibly complex things and perhaps there are good and logical reasons why men tend to prefer and gravitate toward the structured, and the well defined?
I live in a house I bought with my wife, we love it and it's perfect for us, even though I was 48 years old when we could finally afford it. I don't want to leave my house, but I feel that our community is isolated in the houses. We get together once a year for a block party / potluck and its great... and it's more than most places do. I have 2 friends from work and one from church... but we don't do much together. 25 years ago I had a friend group that was 8 employees from a used bookstore and 6 employees from the kinkos across the street and a bunch of people from an rpg group. They're was always a few people up for a movie or a drink and tacos at the pub or a concert or an rpg night around the table. Now there's nothing. Once a month i play rpg at the library. Where are the groups, the community? Sometimes I wish we lived in a dorm or something.
Sorry, I Can’t relate to this at all.
I think the best solutions for this epidemic are 1. Less time on social media and screens in general 2. More time with people less fortunate than you
While I strongly concur to those two suggestions I'd like to remind you that research and the book "Bowling Alone" by Putnam was published already in the 90s: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling_Alone These things run much longer and deeper. Just removing the digital filler with nothing is not enough.
Yes, I think the key to subtracting the digital is to add quality analog. Replace screens with newspapers. Replace social media with walks. Replace shorts with movies. (Just examples, not prescriptions) Finding quality alternatives is essential.
Yes! The movie Jaws was such a slow moving picture and yet loved (and terrifying) by so many generations now. Why? Our imaginations get let out for a long walk and play a huge role in the movie's rhythm.
Those are good tips!
I spent a year studying in an environment where I had access tothe internet for no more than once a month. I was around families whose yearly income was less than my allowance. This is not the full solution
I see my life's story in your post, and that reminds me I'm not so different. I really appreciated that your words reaffirmed some of this year's decisions to (attempt to) truly connect with others. Most definitely I'm a work in progress - but thanks for calming some of my internal over-thinking 👍
I’m glad to hear this did that for you. Calming the internal critic or over thinker is part of my goal!
I see this so much with my male clients too, along with my dad and brothers. So glad there's male therapists like you out there doing the work of modeling how to navigate these things!
Thanks Eliza!
Great piece spot on. We all need this, but we haven’t been taught to be open. We’ve only taught to be stoic.
Thank you. Lots of things to think about in these hard times.