If You're 19 or Older, This is For You

3 things my 20s taught me that I need to remember right now.

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Housekeeping for the Reader Today: My hope for you as you read todays letter is that it will either A. help you have more compassion toward your 20-something self or B. give you things to be mindful of if you’re about to enter or are currently in your 20s.

Take what you want; leave the rest.

Great Smoky Mountains, Fall ‘24

You’re about to turn 20 soon. It’s a peculiar age because it doesn’t feel much different from 19, and it certainly doesn’t hold as much significance as 21, when you can legally drink. Even though you’ve already been doing that because you’re trying to drink your unprocessed wounds away—sorry, I mean, “you like the taste of craft beer” or whatever it is you say. More on that later.

Here Is There:

You’re going to spend a lot of time and energy trying to get somewhere. Trying to get there. You won’t have a clear idea of where that actually is, but along the way, you’ll realize you’re just trying not to be here—in the present moment. You’ll do that by dreaming about and planning for the future or ruminating on the past, replaying what you didn’t do or what you did wrong. You’ll avoid the now with all kinds of distractions and addictions, giving you the illusion that your needs are being met while ultimately leaving you lonely and disconnected.

You’ll engage in this because to be in the present means to be intimately connected to all parts of yourself. And, well, you don’t want to do that because some parts of you have been very badly hurt. Some experiences will lead you to dissociate from the present—a survival skill that has saved your life in some ways.

See, struggling to be present isn’t merely about a lack of skill or attention management. You struggle to be present because you didn’t learn how to be with everything that rises in the moment. You know this though, a couple years ago you tried to take your life because to literally be with everything that was rising in the moment felt like too much. You’ll be so grateful one day that attempt didn’t work.

Being present, being here, is complex. To love is to also grieve. To care is to also hurt. To have is to also lose. But take heart; one day you’ll see that those lists of contradicting thoughts I just mentioned represent what it means to live fully alive and wholeheartedly. You’ll begin to learn that embracing the “both-and” is what it means to experience God and to truly be present right here.

You’ll learn that to be there, is to be here. To be here now.

Hurt People Hurt People, and Healed People Heal People

Sadly, you’ll have been hurt by many people up to this point in very nuanced ways. This subtle pain can often be harder to notice; it’s not as overt for someone to say, “Gosh, that must have really hurt. How are you?” You’ll experience some very overt pain, which will lead some people to try their best to help, while others will attempt to fix it because your hurt is so obvious that they don’t know how to handle their own feelings about it, let alone yours.

I’m sorry to say, you’ll go on to hurt people too. In some ways, you’ll be aware of it but feel powerless over how to stop, and in other instances, you’ll be completely oblivious. It’s a really unfortunate part of life, to be honest. You love and care deeply about people, but at times, you’ll hurt them. Even the people you care about most—especially them.

But there’s good news. God will place people in your life who are on their own healing journeys. These people are intimately aware of how they’ve been hurt, how they’ve hurt others, and are now focused on helping others heal. We say these people are “doing the work.” They will become gifts to you, and one day, you will find yourself in tears thinking of them—like right now. The craziest part is that you will eventually become that presence for others. Not because you are fully healed, but because authentic work naturally flows from within you without force.

Most Things Only Give You the Illusion of Control, Comfort, and Safety

Your teen years into your early 20s will be significantly impacted by addiction. You’ll find “vices,” as they say, that deep down you know aren’t in alignment with your values or the type of person you want to become, yet you’ll feel powerless over them. As yes, there’s that word “powerless” again. It’s is a term you’ll come to know well in the bottom of a church basement, surrounded by a circle of strangers who will soon feel like family. Addiction runs deep in your family—seeking comfort and control runs deep, too.

Whenever we feel powerless over a situation, we turn to something that gives us the illusion of control. And we don’t realize that we now feel powerless over two things:

• The situation we’re trying to avoid.

• The very means we’re using to escape the situation.

This combination of powerlessness will lead to much more pain until we acknowledge that we are, in fact, powerless over it all and need help. I know—it can be a bit confusing. But it will all start to make sense to you soon.

I’ll put it this way:

Powerlessness is something you’ll come to despise at first, yet over time, you’ll recognize it as a gift that leads to the connection you deeply long for.

So take a breath, stay present, and know that you are not alone. Each challenge and each connection you make will guide you toward a fuller understanding of love, compassion, and healing—both for yourself and for others. Trust the process, and remember that this journey is uniquely yours. You're right where you need to be.

If you resonated with any of this, share your experiences, insights, or any questions you might have in the comments below.

Thanks for being here.

With Care,

Blake

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