Curiosity over Criticism
A real life example of what can happen when we're critical versus curious.
The Lowe’s Story
My wife and I were at Lowe's this week getting supplies for a creative project she's working on. The main thing she needed was a large sheet of plywood. So here was our plan - get the supplies at Lowes, drop her off at home, then I was going to help a friend move.Â
We had a little over an hour, which I felt was plenty of time. Lowes is 5 minutes from our house, and the friend I was helping move is 10 minutes from us.
Here's the first piece of information you need to know. I hate hardware stores. I didn't grow up being taught how to do projects or use tools. Yet, I also believed the narrative that a real "man" should know how to do these things. So, when I go into these stores I tend to feel like a little boy who doesn't know what he's doing and is embarrassed by that.Â
We eventually found the sheet of plywood she needed and, after eyeballing the size and imagining fitting it into our trunk, we concluded that it'll fit.Â
We buy the stuff, load it in the car, and what do ya know - it doesn't fit. Like, not even close. At this point, all the people in the parking lot are watching me try to bend and squeeze this giant sheet of plywood into my trunk and thinking to themselves "wow - look at this guy. What an idiot, he seriously thought that would fit?" At least, that's the story I make up of what they were thinking.Â
The problem with this type of self-criticism is it sets off the stress response in my brain. The amygdala experiences my harsh words or the harsh words I perceive from others, as a threat. Then, the rest of my body gets the signal that I'm in danger, and I better fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Then, with adrenaline and cortisol surging through me, I simply react in a dysregulated state.Â
What does that look like in this story? Well, first I get mad at my wife and blame her. Because it's easier to pretend like it's her fault than it is to acknowledge my own shame -Â fight. Then, the story I was making up of what others were thinking got bigger and I got stuck-Â freeze. I eventually go back into the store, embarrassed, and ask an employee to cut it for me.Â
I have him cut it in half. Then I take it to the car. Only to realize now I have two square sheets of plywood that are the same size as the one that didn't fit in the first place.Â
Now, it feels like everyone in Tennessee is crowded around watching this catastrophe. There is so much more to this story happening that I'm not aware of because I wasn't slowing down to be curious. Part of me was being critical the whole time.Â
Eventually, I take those two pieces back, have them cut into four and they fit in the car. Oh, and I was almost an hour late to help my friend move.Â
That's not the point, though. On the surface, it didn't seem like a big deal. But it was to me. My reactions weren't matching the situation. The wounds in my story were being triggered and parts of me were reacting in an attempt to protect those wounds.
Just power through it. Figure it out on your own. Don't listen to anyone who might be there to help. These were what parts of me were thinking to distract me from vulnerable thoughts like - I'm alone. I must not be a man because I don't know what to do. It feels scary to ask for help.Â
There was a lot more to the story. It wasn't about the plywood. It wasn't even about the embarrassment of the situation. It was about what that situation reminded me of.Â
When I notice my reaction doesn't match the situation, and I'm able to have a posture of curiosity, I notice there's something deeper going on that deserves my attention. I'm able to remember that just because I don't know how to do these things, doesn't mean I'm not a man. That it's okay to ask for help. And most importantly, I'm able to be with that little boy in me who feels scared and embarrassed instead of ignoring him.
An invitation to explore the more to your story:
What is a recent situation where your reaction may not have matched the situation?
When you think of how you reacted, what do you notice happening in your body?
See if you can access a posture of curiosity - what else might have been going on for you in that situation?
What was the story (or stories) you were telling yourself?
What is it that you needed to hear or need to be reminded of?
Curiosity over Criticism
A song I’ve been loving:
Great, honest post. This is the sort of self-reflection and analysis that we aren't teaching young kids (especially boys) how to do. Instead, we have decided it's more important to validate feelings, which tells them that it was an appropriate reaction to the circumstances.
Great job. Thanks for sharing this example. It's so true that we feel out of our element sometimes when we didn't grow up learning some things. I grew up on a farm and worked with my dad a lot. I had my first home built on an acre by a company that was affordable, but I had to do all of the clean up and certain tasks. I actually love Lowe's. But I can't sew with a sewing machine and feel very out of my depth around sewing and other things. But what I do love is understanding our brains and our responses. Nice job on this article.