A different kind of Father's Day letter.
To all the dads and those who long to become dads. May this encourage you and invite you to reflect on your younger self. As he is an integral part of your fathering.
Read here first ↓
As I sat down and reflected on the first Father’s Day that hits a bit different, I couldn’t help but think about little Blake. Why, you might ask? Because I’m a therapist and spend most days venturing with courageous folks back into their early experiences? Probably. Maybe because my baby isn’t physically here yet so it was easier to reflect on myself? But also because there’s so much truth, and evidence, to the notion that the younger parts of us don’t merely go away as we age. Even if we do a good job at ignoring them, they are very much alive and influence how we show up in the world and relationships today.
So to all the dads and those who long to become dads. May this letter encourage you and invite you to reflect on your younger self. Update him on where you are now. Invite him to hang out with you today. Be with him.
This type of self-reflection ins’t selfish (in the negative sense) but necessary to good fathering.
A letter to little Blake,
Bud, you wouldn’t believe where we (you and me) are today.
Three weeks away from welcoming our first child into the world. A sweet baby girl.
Soon enough, her little hand will be wrapped around our finger.
She’ll cry as she enters this harsh world, leaving the safety and warmth of the magical home her mommy has held her in for the last nine months.
Just as you did some time ago.
We’ll hold her tight and cry as she cries. Chest to chest. Heart to heart.
We’ll stumble, like a new fawn walking for the first time, as we learn to love her.
Fathering her as we welcome fear, love, shame, unfathomable joy, insecurity, hope, pain, exhaustion, doubt, bliss, strength, anxiety, peace, and all else that comes.
One day, we’ll even begin to teach her how to welcome all of those feelings within herself with a posture of curiosity and compassion.
And, we can only do that for her well, if we work on doing it for ourselves.
So, this is my invitation to you.
To join me on this journey.
I know it will be hard, as it already has at times. I know my love for her has stirred up pain in you that you’ve been good at keeping buried away.
The truth is, I need you. This journey of fathering can be redemptive for you.
For us.
And I know that we have many parts who work hard to keep you protected. Protected from enduring pain again similar to what you’ve experienced before.
I’m thankful for those parts, as they have a very important job.
And… they don’t have to work so hard anymore.
Things are different now. I’m here for you. Sometimes it may not feel different, but I promise you it is.
Before you accept the invitation, let me share my promise.
My promise is that I won’t stop listening to you.
I won’t stop engaging the stories of harm and unburdening the narratives you’ve long carried as a result of those experiences.
I won’t leave you locked away in the rooms of my soul.
I will come find you and invite you into the beauty of what is the present.
I promise to stand up for you now in the ways you needed back then.
I will do the hard work of befriending my pain so that it may be transformed not transmitted.
I promise to continue surrounding myself with people who will keep me accountable when I stray away from these promises.
Because doing this work is what will make us a good father.
Doing this work is what we all deserve.
I can’t wait for you to meet her and for her to meet you.
You guys will be the best of friends.
And to my baby girl,
I promise to continue doing this work so that it may create a space for you to feel safe enough to be honest when you don’t feel like I’m being a good father.
Because your voice matters. Your authenticity matters. Your feelings matter. Your experience matters.
You matter simply because you’re you.
Your mommy and I love you endlessly. 🌹
Let’s engage in the comments.
I’d love to hear what this letter stirred up in you. I’ve connected with some cool people simply through commenting on a post that impacted me. Plus, people need to hear what you have to say.
"My promise is that I won't stop listening to you." So good, true, and beautiful.